Red unwrapped his birthday present. He opened the box and held the black jar.
“What is it?”
“A candle,” I said.
“Not just any candle,” I said. “Read it.”
“Can’t,” Red said. “Don’t have my glasses.”
“Well, it should say ‘smells like my vagina’,” I said.
Red looked at me perplexed.
“Whose pussy?” he asked.
“Gwyneth Paltrow,” I said.
I could tell Red was disappointed.
“Where’d you get this? The porno shop?” Red asked.
“Nah. That candle cost me a lot, man. It’s a fad. In case you don’t know, Elton John bought most of ’em up, so it cost me a pretty penny.”
“Why would Elton John want it? Wouldn’t he want a cock scented candle?”
“Yeah. I don’t get it. But I don’t think there’s a candle for Chris Hemsworth’s pole.”
“Well, thanks,” Red said.
I could tell I’d made a mistake with the candle.
“At least smell it,” I told Red. “I’m curious.”
Red took off the lid and whiffed.
“Smells like pussy,” he said.
“Are there any pubic hairs?”
Red said, “I told you, I don’t have my glasses.”
He passed the candle to me.
I examined it for any coarse Gwyneth Paltrow pubes. There were none, so I sniffed it too.
“Yup. Smells like pussy,” I said.
“Wonder what it tastes like,” Red said.
“I wouldn’t lick it,” I said. “And I’d advise against fucking it, Red. Don’t go trying to soften it up and fuck it.”
“Don’t worry,” Red said. “I never thought Gwyneth Paltrow was that hot.”
I gave the candle back to Red. He put it aside. I could tell he was still unhappy. I thought maybe it was his age.
“What’s the matter?” I asked. “You don’t like the candle?”
“You know I’m more of an ass man,” Red said.
“I don’t think she’s got a candle for that yet,” I said.
4 thoughts on “The Candle”
She aint got no ass!
then poor Red may never get his Gwyneth Paltrow “smells like my ass” candle.
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Perhaps it would be called, “she thinks her shit don’t stank.”
floral scented shit candle cause her shit don’t stink. i like it.