Christmas Goodies

Christmas Goodies

christmas
was the bigger disappointment
than mother
because christmas
was something 
once
something of promises 
and wishes 
fulfilled
but they didn't
last long
giving me a taste
of something pure
then taking it away
unlike her
who i never
really
tasted
as anything pure
or otherwise

that's probably why
i hold more against christmas
than I do
her
since
as they say
nothing gained
then nothing lost
either

that's probably why
i shun christmas
like a jilted lover
now 
bewitching 
enchanting
christmas
with its easy prizes
of candy and toys
demanding 
no moil or toil
for its rewards
much the way
i suppose
a mother 
was supposed to
deliver
her presents
of care and attention
too

the free stuff
good stuff
of the holiday
only demanding
i be young and naïve
and to dress for a day
like a performing monkey
and behave oneself
as well or better
all of it
such a small price to pay
for all the goodies
of the holiday

but then
christmas turned to something else
a different sort of performance
of pretending 
and pretense
an unpleasant thing
for someone
preferring their coffee 
black

instead
the milk and sugar
of pretending
you really know
or like
everybody at 
the festivities
and the effort
of pretending
that the holiday itself
is more like unwrapping
the thing you dearly wanted
than another sweater
or pack of socks
gifted merely
for the sake
of appearances

and then
it became more
about the shopping
in horrific crowds
the concerns
about how to pay for it all
and wrapping
and cooking
and being on time
all the false smiles
with tinsel
all the preparation
for something
that didn't offer
that much joy
to the world
or anybody else
anymore

christmas
a good thing still
i suppose
for the family
getting together
for a day
to tighten the knot
of the tie that binds
and maybe a good thing
for the kids too
to taste something 
close to pure
while they still can
before their taste buds change
along with the meals
and most things
start tasting
the same

but it lost its shine
a long time ago
like the notion
of romantic love 
that came later
finding
it wasn't at all
like christmas either
that the woman
was nowhere like
the playthings
so easy granted
by christmas
no matter
how good 
how nice 
a boy
i thought i'd been
every year

coming to understand
like a chick or bunny for easter
the woman
like everything else
was gonna be more work
than i wanted her
to be
and coming to understand
i'm not such
an adorable gift either
and if it's gonna work
then love
needs to be more like christmas
for the adults
plodding through
the necessary chores
that keep it together
for the sake of the kids
and that family tie

it's probably the reason
i don't like christmas
too much now
cause it let me down
unlike the mother
i never really knew
in her absence
never letting me down
so
never too much
the brunt
of my 
too many 
disappointments
either

nowadays
christmas is just okay
something to be done
understanding 
and feeling it
for what it is
sadly
instead of feeling it
for what it was
it's okay
like most of the other things
that used to be 
much better too
the x or y axes
of their pleasures
sex 
drive-in movies
and the rest
narrowing
just like 
christmas

yeah
i think i dislike christmas
for its disappointment
in becoming something else
something more
like everything else
than trouble-free
the pleasures of presents
a figment of memory
now
like the promises of everything else
that were gonna
offer
pure 
easy and 
enduring
pleasures