No Sleep

No Sleep

no sleep
for weeks
she asked herself
over morning coffee
why?

there were things
going on
in the world
upheavals
complex
social
political
cultural
economic
biological 
threats
to the ways
of living
comfortable
to her

and
as always
things going on
inside
consciously aware
and not

like
had she been
a good enough
daughter and mother
was she too selfish
or not enough
then
and now

were her crimes
of the past
and the shames
forgivable
or
are they meant
to linger
and torture
and torment
as reminders
of things
never
to do 
again

crimes
against friends
family
lovers
long lost acquaintances
but
were they even crimes
or just the performances
of a witless 
hapless actor
stumbling onto the stage
and into the play
of victims
looking for crimes
and criminals
to punish
and blame

things inside
going on
like not knowing much
about anything
but convincing herself
during the day
with the mind
more
in her grasp
that she knows
far more
about most things
than she does
or ever will

no sleep
from wants and desires
some failed
some let go
some attained
to little satisfaction
some let go
to the whims of time
to never know
if they might have been better
leading to success
rather than failure
and more satisfaction
than what keeps her awake
now

and every day
a step closer
to death
not knowing
what to do 
not knowing
whether to struggle
or surrender
or something 
but what?
in between

no sleep
maybe
a tip of the scale
of her aging
biology
the restlessness
a signal
of something
finally
inevitably
gone out of balance

no sleep
with god or no god
or god
as guide
as metaphor
and metaphor
as guide
or just
superstition

no sleep
not knowing
the love
loathing
or respect
of an emotionally
distant daughter
distant to many
so
not knowing
the measure
of them
and not
knowing
whatever the measure
if they're truly deserved
or not

no sleep 
for weeks
finishing 
that morning's coffee
to scrub her teeth
shower 
dress
drive to work
convincing herself
for a while
of the reason
the cause
a cause
any cause
for her troubled sleep

a cause chosen
for making the day
easier
but the dread of night
felt
on the long drive home
knowing
that day's cause
won't make
the evening
any better
for sleeping
just as the cause
she'll choose tomorrow
won't
either