Epic Right-Wing Slapfight in Negotiations

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The battle of words between right-wing sissies and political pundits Milo Yiannopoulos and Ben Shapiro continues to escalate. In an interview this Saturday on Fox and Friends, Shapiro called the effeminate Milo a “rascally biiiiiiitch” with Yiannopoulos responding minutes later on Twitter, calling Shapiro a “powderpuff closet queen” who “needs to just admit what he is”.  What started months ago as a mere war of words appears to be evolving into something more physically foreboding.  Rumors have been circulating for weeks that promoter Bob Arum is negotiating a physical contest between the two pundits, possibly a pay-per-view event with both parties already agreeable to the match being mediated by fellow right-wing media troll and conservative homosexual Dave Rubin.

Sources close to the situation say that negotiations are currently hung up over the particulars of the contest with Yiannopoulos lobbying for a submission wrestling match taking place in a pool of warm custard. Shapiro’s camp is proposing a giant, inflatable gloved slapfight, thereby negating Yiannopoulos’ experience and advantage in orifice gouging and manipulation, which, along with spitting, biting and hair pulling, will be explicitly allowed.

boxing gloves

mrobins71 recently reached out to legendary boxing coach Freddie Roach who expressed these thoughts about the competition, “In combat sports there’s glass jaws and even lower than that you got guys with marshmallow jaws. That’s what I’m seeing here.” When asked if he’d be willing to support either combatant, even if the price was right, Roach responded, “I’d rather have my taint scrubbed with steel wool and ammonia.” When asked to clarify the statement, Roach asserted emphatically, “No. These guys are the antithesis of anything athletic. A footrace between these two would be a disgrace of asymmetrically flailing limbs. Even the principle of forward movement would be appalled.” Roach went on to assert that maybe a skipping contest would be more appropriate.

Exact financial terms and conditions for the bout are in ongoing negotiations as well.  In addition to a cash purse, the victorious pundit cum prize fighter may additionally be crowed the inaugural Velvet Schmeckle Champion (Yiannopoulos being a current Catholic but admitted ethnic Jew). However, given the relative monism of the religious/ethnic and sexual preference of all so far involved (Arum being the only non-homosexual), the more ethnically neutral Golden Butt Plug Championship has also been lodged.

For Shapiro, the proposed contest is not only about physical prowess and pride, it’s also about philosophic consistency.  Shapiro is a firm advocate of free will who has stated “transdenderism is a disease” and that “gay marriage is evil”. As gynecologists and psychiatrist Dr. Sigmund Ziff explains,  “Ben’s railing against transgenderism as a disease makes complete logical sense from his philosophic worldview. The alcoholic who  believes in free will would have to admit that his persistent alcoholism is a matter of choice, which is to say, ongoing from a lack of will.  But as a matter of disease, not unlike cancer, it’s not his or her fault. They are simply a victim of biological circumstance. With the disease argument, Mr. Shapiro positions himself outside of his suppressed proclivities as a moral failing.” In the Petersonian sense, it’s a classical clash of Jungian archetypes: Shapiro (the hero), by shear will, exerting control over his latent homosexual proclivities versus the hedonism and pure Freudian Id of Yiannopoulos.

Still, in light of all contrary evidence, Shapiro holds firm to his claim of personal heterosexuality. Even when confronted by TMZ in 2016 about his routine patronage of eyebrow threading boutiques, Shapiro brushed it off as “the normal grooming practices of a public figure who makes a living on camera.”

Then there’s the rumor of Shapiro’s 2017 galvonic skin response, conducted in secret at the New York University’s Steinhart School of Applied Psychology, where a graduate student familiar with the experiment claims, “(Shapiro’s) galvometric response to imagery of cross-dressing men was off the charts”. Since becoming public, Shapiro has firmly denounced the results, with his lawyers claiming that no documentation of proper instrument calibration exists, while further chiding the inconsistency in lie detection methodology.  Shapiro has since declined NYU’s proposal to put him in an MRI machine with back issues of Beefcake Magazine.

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(note: galvonic skin response measures skin conductivity only while polygraph analysis measures blood pressure, pulse, respiration, and skin conductivity)

Still, as negotiations continue behind closed doors, a conspiratorially minded subset of Shapiro’s cult are making more and more of a stir on Reddit and the comments sections on YouTube. According to YouTube user FleshlightFantasy1985, “they’re just trying to bait (Shapiro) out into the public to humiliate him. It’s gonna be some kinda public intervention by those queens (presumably Rubin and Yiannopoulos) peer pressuring Ben out of the closet. I’m just horrified. I’m afraid he might crack.” And like-minded Shapiro loyalists have started the #BenNotGay campaign, described by Reddit user MGTOW_MadMax1 as “a place for all men pressured to come out of the closet to have their voices heard. A safe space where we’re not bullied by sissies and ninnies into becoming what they want us to be even if that’s what we are.”

-mrobins71: the best of the interweb’s fake investigative journalism

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