With the cowardly bailing of Proud Boy founder and apologist “leader” Gavin McInnes, the Proud Boy movement is in a state of chaos. It’s pitiful how you’ve been misguided by this cunt-face into becoming a laughing stock of homoeroticism and beta-boy cuckery, referred to mockingly as “alt-light” by the alt-right that doesn’t make conditions on jerking off part of a fraternal oath. And chumming around with pedophile apologist Milo Yianopollis didn’t help any either. So I officially throw my hat in the ring for consideration as LEADER. Your fraternity is in dire need of reform. And I will not cower or cuck as your former “leader” did, who was quoted in the New York Times as “disassociating” himself with you “in all capacities, forever.” What a fucking Judas. I will not desert you. I will lead you proudly, as a real Proud Boy would. I will not abandon you when the legal waters get too hot. In fact, I revel in the rolling boil. I’ll never peddle my cowardice under the guise of the best interest of the group. I pledge to never make a statement like this weasel McInnes, “I was never the leader, only the founder.” If elected, I will unconditionally and proudly be your leader. I will be a PROUD Proud Boy. Like a charlatan Eddie Haskell, I will not goad you into conflict in NYC or anywhere else….stand in the street brandishing a sword as if I’m some kinda warrior or revolutionary….just to turn my back on ya a few weeks later when the going gets tough. I have too much loyalty and respect for you. And I will not make a laughing stock out of us by pissing and moaning how my Hollywood friends have bailed on me over some trivial bullshit, when I bailed on you over some truly important shit.
Or if this coward thinks he’s gonna pull some shady George Wallace bullshit and get his wife elected so he can govern from the shadows, well….that ain’t happening. If I can’t seize Proud Boy power through diplomacy, then I will by force.
As your proud, new leader I pledge the following changes:
Masks. We’re chucking the dopey polo shirt aesthetic. We’re gonna switch from polos to wrestling masks (commonly referred to in wrestling circles as hoods).
Masturbation. You wanna know why you guys are all jacked up and ready to fight and, as a result, it’s gotten ya in trouble? It’s cause it’s a condition of the goddamned club that ya can’t jack off. For fuck’s sake, any sorta animal needs sexual release and that dumbfuck McInnes had you idiots treating your peckers like they had leprosy. Your dick’s something to be proud of, dudes. It’s what makes you men. Don’t shun it. Don’t be embarrassed or disgraced by its carnal needs and lusts. As such, I propose we go from Proud Boys to Proud Pud Pullers or Proud Pud Pumpers. Or maybe just Proud Boys Version 2.0. Anyway, we’re doing a 180 on the whole “no jacking off” decree.
Homoeroticism. We’re dropping all the homoerotic bullshit. No more Milo. No more going bare chested in interviews for no reason. It’s too gay. And we’re dropping the cock (the fowl variety) as our symbol. It’s too confusing and homoerotic and sorta Freudian, if you know what I mean. It’s like Steven Crowder insisting he’s hetero while looking for any excuse to dress in drag. “Your symbol is a cock!!!???!!! Oh, but not that kinda cock. Riiiiiight….wink, wink.” Let’s drop that shit.
We’ll be discarding that nonsense for the symbol of a real cock and a real man. We’re gonna flaunt what we are, real men with real cocks that we’re no longer afraid to use or abuse. McInnes’ ideology was one of cuckish slavery from which we liberate ourselves. We reclaim our mastery of our genitals. We will not be defined by the shame invoked by our genitals’ lusts. If it demands strokes, we do not hide like cowards from its desires because some asshole with a pussy for a face tells us we should. If it wants stroking, we will stroke it. That is what makes us MEN!!!!! We do not recoil in fear or intimidation at the untamed, bucking bronco that wants to throw us. We break it and tame it. Then, having mastered the animal, we ride it bareback in glory to it and us. We ride with pride in the glory that is the beast and our courage in taming it. That ride through rolling fields – man and beast as one – is the reward for breaking nature to OUR will. That is what makes us men, when it comes to taming wild stallions or our own genitals. As The New Proud Boys, we own that glory of riding wild stallions bareback and stroking our own dicks.
Welcome to Proud Boys 2.0!!!!! I look forward to leading you into a glorious future with no apologies or pussyfooting around what we are. It’s time to be proud again!!!!!