With the exceptions of The Godfather 2 and The Empire Strikes Back, sequels rarely live up to the originals. So it’s with reservation that aspiring and converted alpha-lobsters await Canadian Professor Jordan B. Peterson’s follow-up to his 2018 bestseller 12 Rules of Life: An Antidote to Chaos. Did cleaning your room, petting cats and flexing your shoulders back not yield the desired results (e.g. discovering meaning or “being itself”)? Then Dr. Peterson has some fresh red pilled wisdom to boost your hierarchy game.
Now the green pilled, beta skeptic might ask, “If the original text didn’t elevate enough cellar dwelling misanthropes to alpha-lobsterism, then were the original rules just bullshit in the first place?” Even further, maybe the new rules are nothing more than a money grab. When will the rules end? When Peterson finally fizzles in book sales like the later careers of Gore Vidal and Alan Ginsburg? Are these real rules or just whimsies pulled from thin air to sell another book? Is the Lobster Legion being duped?
Mrobins71 has obtained an exclusive WikiLeaks sneak-peek at the forthcoming installment of Professor Peterson’s rules. Here are some highlights from the unedited manuscript. You be the judge.
From Jordan B. Peterson’s forthcoming 12 More Rules for Life:
1. Avoid cider and sulfites. Failing to do so might send you into a 25 day, sleep-deprived mania from which you emerge believing that Walt Disney and The Prophet Abraham are one and the same.
2. There’s never enough beef. Beef cures most ills, from insomnia to inflamed gums. Take advantage of The Golden Corral’s $8.69 lunch buffet (unlimited beef) at most locations.
3. Never trust a Jew, Muslim, Postmodernist/Neo-Marxists, Native American or Journalist.
4. Hold your flatulence. Like masturbation, the easy release of flatulence is temporarily satisfying but supplies no long term gratification. Relationships with the opposite sex work in the same way. There’s an intimacy developed through the strife and struggles of marriage and monogamous relationships which pale in comparison to a $20 blowjob from a hooker. There’s struggle and strife within marriage, as there is in holding in gas. But, ultimately, the satisfaction gained through a lengthy expulsion in a toilet stall or the privacy of your own car far outweighs the fleeting gratification of release in the office or on a train. Patience yields the greatest reward.
5. Real men never fake an orgasm. One must confront the world as it is. We should never deal in deceptions. I’ve been asked in my clinical practice if it’s ethical to fake an orgasm and the answer is “no”. Further, it is no more or less and deception to fake an orgasm to yourself than to a romantic partner. Both are abominations of reality and truth.
6. Never walk behind a horse. You might get kicked in the head. If you don’t die, you’ll most likely be “slow” and/or crippled for the rest of your life.
7. Decapods aren’t equal. There are lobster hierarchies. Lobsters, along with crayfish, crabs, prawn and shrimp, are all decapods. Yet, all decapods aren’t equal. This is known as “meta-hierarchy” or “hierarchy layer cake”. How can the Postermodernists deny hierarchy when it’s so deeply embedded in all things?
8. Trust Walt Disney as you would The Prophet Abraham.
9. Boots are for alphas – sandals and flip flops are for betas.
10. Cuddle any chimpanzee you can. Chimps are cute and lovable and only rarely rip the faces and genitals off humans. They’re sweet and ancestrally our next of kin, which is probably why we don’t eat them.
11. Let girls play with Barbie (Barbie as Jungian archetype).
12. Alpha-posture: walk around like a wild west gunslinger.
In my own bid for profiteering and/or cult followship, I submit to the public Mrobins71’s 12 Rules for Life:
1. Clean your garage, basement and vehicle too. If cleaning your room is good and if two is better than one, then why not clean the whole house?
2. Wear comfortable shoes and underpants. Spend the extra money on name brand shoes and underwear. I once bought a pair of generic shoes at WalMart and both shoes had a left sole. And never buy Dunlop brand underwear. They might make good tires but their underwear don’t fit much better than a goddamned tire, with the front waistband pulled up to your titties while half your ass is exposed in the back. Spend the extra money on some first-world engineering when it comes to shoes and undergarments.
3. Treat yourself the way your parents should have. If you drop an ice cream cone on a linoleum floor, don’t scream and curse at yourself as if you’ve just committed mass genocide or blown the World Series. For fuck’s sake, it’s only linoleum, not even carpet. Just wipe that shit up and move on with your day and if you’ve got another ice cream cone in the freezer, enjoy that one.
4. Exterminate rodents/vermin (this is not a dog whistle about Jews!!!!!). They’re filthy and pesky, which is reason enough indulge in a little sadism.
5. Ask for consent.
6. Worship Lena Dunham’s ass.
7. Sex is never free. Take it from me, even when that kind of stuff was allowed on Craigslist, every ad saying “I love giving blowjobs” (the implication being that (presumably) she loves it so much that she does it for free) always ended up with a text asking for my identification, credit card info or endless calls for health insurance or somebody claiming to be from the IRS.
8. Liquor before beer. It’s true. Beer before liquor makes you sicker.
9. If it stinks, don’t eat it. A putrid odor is usually a sign of rot and/or bacterial decay. Bacterial infection is a leading cause of vomiting and diarrhea so avoid ingesting anything suggestive of rot, decay or rancidity.
10. It’s not gay to admit Barry Gibb was beautiful. The sign of a real alpha – a man truly secure in his manhood – is the ability to acknowledge all things beautiful, even when they threaten traditional conceptions of masculinity. Examples include Michelangelo’s David and a young Barry Gibb.
11. Be Batman or Superman, not Flash or Aquaman. Batman is a badass with all sorts of killer gadgets and fighting skills. Superman possesses superhuman strength, the ability to fly, x-ray vision, heat vision, cold breath, super-speed and is nearly invincible. Superman made the earth spin in reverse. Flash can run fast and Aquaman can control fish and other aquatic life. It should be obvious who are the alphas and betas. Be the alpha.
12. Watch fireworks and ride roller coasters whenever you can. There are few things designed for pure pleasure. Fireworks and roller coasters are two, so enjoy.
Mrobins71’s bonus rule:
Fuck who you love A LOT!!!!