Cat

If I had a cat I’d force it to wear a pizza costume. You can buy a pizza costume for a cat online. I’d force the cat to wear the outfit by withholding food and affection unless it was in the costume. I might feed it just pizza too. And if it didn’t like pizza I’d let it outside to catch a bird or mouse to eat and if it couldn’t catch a bird or a mouse, I’d laugh at it and tease it. I’d say, “Stupid cat in a pizza outfit thinks it can catch a mouse.”

And if I let it outside and it got the idea of mating with another cat, again I would laugh at it and tease it.

“Nothing wants to fuck a cat in a pizza suit,” I’d taunt.

All that would be nice but I can’t say for sure how much I’d let my cat outside since it might run away or get run over by a car or get attacked and torn to pieces by a big, mean dog. If it ran away, I’d lose the pizza outfit along with the cat. And if the cat got run over, I imagine the pizza suit would be ruined too. Likewise with the vicious dog so I’d probably try keeping the cat indoors as much as possible.

I’d go to work and not tell anybody about my cat’s pizza suit, even though it makes me feel really good. I’d let them wonder why I was so happy but I’d try not to be smug about my satisfaction. I’d leave them to wonder and speculate among themselves. Then I’d go home and give my cat a lot of affection and pizza so long as it was in the outfit.