Instinct

instinct might be the most important thing
     
you can be taught
     the techniques
          and technicalities 
               of how to paint
          or write
               how to bat or steal a base
          you can watch the films and study the playbook
               but when the line opens up
                    or the play falls apart
               a lot of times
                    it comes down to instinct
                         it comes down to how much instinct
                                         you've got
the instinct that leads you 
     to what you should write or paint
          and how it needs to be done
               with a commitment to finding the way
                    for yourself
                         not through schools of art
                              schools of thought
                                   or houses of the holy
                         mostly a bunch
                              of the same old
                                   bullshit
                        something that instinct
                             and its tagalong reason
                        allow you to both feel
                             and know
so avoid the textbooks
     and the mass opinions
          of how you should paint or write
               or play
keeping in mind
     of course 
          there's rules
     for grammar
            spelling
                 and punctuation
and some rules
     for composition
                 and
            how water's for acrylic
                 and solvent's for oil
                      but the rest's up to you
            that's the real burden
                 the real cross to bear
and if there's nothing inside
     that needs to be painted
          or written
               or sung
     then there's always technique
          and sentiment       
                    their precious techniques and sentiments
               when there is no instinct inside of you
          and where there is no instinct
                   no instinctive pursuit of something
                        something you're anxiously unsure of
                    yet
                          instinctively certain 
                               whatever it is
                                   it seems meaningful
           for
              without instinct
                      in both
                          glorious
                                and 
                          inglorious pursuit
                      of something
              without pursuit
                   is there any passion
                        for you?
                             for me?
instinct
     in art
          in sport
               in life
the instinct in knowing
     who to fuck and how
          and who not to fuck
of what to pursue
     when you feel the soul slipping
          having the instinct to withdraw
               and pursue something else
                     something better
                        instinctively
having the instinct to withdraw
     from the temptations
          of bad ideas and dumb ways of living
               ways that seem decent and wholesome
                    common sense ways
          that instinctively 
               not analytically
                    feel wrong
that instinct
     a guilty conscience
          nagging you
               tormenting your sleep
                    its way of letting you know
                         common sense ways
                              aren't your way
                                   of being authentic
                              instinct haunting you
                                 in the car
                                      waiting for a plane
                                           waiting on a meal
                                       waiting on the dentist
                                 nagging you with all the things
                                you know you don't yet understand
                                            but should
                                      nagging you
                                           about your laziness
                                      in not caring
                                           not doing a better job
                                      of trying to understand
                                           somehow
     while
possessing intelligence
     and logic
          and reason
     that present to you 
          all the common sense ways of living
     because you are reasonable
          you know those ways are reasonable
     and you wish to be reasonable
          instead of the fool
     but instinct tells you no
          without reason
               that many of the ways of common sense
                    are not your ways
some get by okay on instinct
     though it's not obvious to most
          that they're okay
              or even
                    how they do it
          i think about Buk
               and his instincts
                    in writing
                         and in life
               and at the track?
                    a mix of analytics and instinct
                         the daily test
                    turned weekly
                         monthly 
                              yearly
                    a test
                         whether or not
                              in the end
                         the instinct prevails
                              measured not by jackpots
                                   but tiny gains
                                        over time
the slow accumulation of the wealth
     of tiny gains
         slow
              an unreasonable commitment
                   to the inglorious compounding interest
                                  of minor gains
gains and wealth mostly of......freedom?
     freedom from nitwits
          and their ties to their common sense
     and freedom from the schools
          of how you should think and create
               freedom from the need for their approval
                       tiny gains
                              requiring discipline
                                   and patience
                              commitment and will
                                   to give yourself time
                                        to get to the truth
                              of whether your instinct's shit
                 nothing better than theirs
                      or slightly better
                              at least
                           for yourself
     the better instinct for knowing
          what's important
               and what needs to be done
                    for yourself
and maybe
     with luck
          or a blessing or two
               to discover
                    you're not the only one
                         exploring the same territory
but
     beware the false explorers
          be grateful for the instinct
               to sniff them out
                    and send them packing
while accepting some of the worst of yourself
     shamefully disappointing and mistreating others
                     sometimes
          cause it's the only way
               of staying on the path
                       that your instinct lays out
this thing called instinct
          like the one to survive
this one
     sometimes termed the muse
          a blessing that helps get you outta bed
     but also keeps you from sleeping so well sometimes
          cause you can't keep straight
if there's reasons why common sense ways are the way they are
          that maybe you're just the family fool
               the town square idiot
                    the lazy underachiever of your team
               with too much ego for your own good
too much pride
     to accept the common sense ways for what they are
or
     is a cunt hair's more instinct than the average really
          what you've got?
and
     if so
          an instinct for just yourself?
               for maybe more?
or 
    is it all just ego tickling the taint?
there are no easy answers
     unless you go to the schools
          otherwise
               you're stuck with yourself
                    and your ego
                         and instinct
                              and your blind
                                   and idiotic
                                        commitment
                                   to whatever cause this is

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