An Honest Mess

An Honest Mess

it's hard
almost impossible
being honest
so
when i glimpse
a piece of my self
honestly
it's easier to say
i'm being honest
than truly
being honest
about the bit
that it is

i'd rather
play 
with the syntax
and semantics
of being honest
than ever deal with it
honestly

i'm never honest
about my honesty
since
i can't fathom
myself
a liar
or coward
so my dishonesty
about being honest
is something
i must bury
deep 
inside
my conscience

it feels
dishonorable
to be
this dishonest
with myself
and you
in all the ways
my dishonesty
affects
all
who i
affect

if i was honest
about my dishonesty
i'd admit
i hate it
but i can't 
be too honest
so i tuck it way
between the cushions
of my 
conscience

i ignore
the hatred
i have
for my cowardly
dishonest self

i ignore
my disappointment
my hatred
of my cowardice
which manifests
in more dishonesties
more makeshift fixes
about who 
and what
i am

i need
to ignore
the truth 
of my hatred
and cowardice
so i direct it
elsewhere

the more
i attempt to fix
the more dishonest
more unstable
i become
with you 
and with me
in constructing
this façade
of the proud
steadfastly certain
and fearless
me

these lies
this confusion
over what i am
leave me 
anxious
and afraid
but i can't 
admit my fear
i can't
be that honest
cause i'm too
goddamned proud
and certain

so i sit here
dishonestly
proud
and assured
to cover
the spite
for my dishonesty

if i could be honest
i'd admit
my spite
ripens
from being such a coward
with 
myself

the things
i do
to punish myself
for being
a liar
a coward
and so full of spite
are evident 
to most
but me

there's
people
who advise me
against 
the punishments
pointing out
the senselessness
of it all

what they call
senseless
i defend
aggressively
as sacrifice
and return
the attack
against
my sacrifice
by brute force
or more subtly
through emotional
psychological
pressures

i attack
either directly
bluntly
brutally
as i sometimes
attack myself
with my punishments
or more subtly
through artifice
the same way
i've become a master
by practice
on myself

i return
the hurt
to my pride
at being exposed
as senseless
rather than
sacrificing
with an attack
to undermine
whatever pride
you might
have

if i could be
honest
i could admit
i'm too much
of a coward
to confront
the world
that confronts
my dishonest
pride
and
certainty

instead
i hide
and cower
petrified
fossilized
in solitude
where my
certainty
honesty
and pride
are never challenged
since there's nobody
here
but me

i cower here
a mess 
of a man 
too proud 
too stubborn 
too fearful 
to admit 
to you 
or myself 
the disjointed 
disheveled  
mess that i am

i'm a mess 
always looking 
for a better lie 
to fortify the façade
of certainty
of what i am

i'm a mess
of a man
always tweaking 
the old lies 
to adapt to the new

i am a mess
of a dishonest man
terrified
of his honest
self

i'm a neurotic
mess 
of a man
horrified
of the gift
of his honest
self

terrifying
honesty
the fortune
of love's labor
honesty
the pinnacle 
accepted 
graciously 
gratefully
without defense 
of the glorious messes 
we are

we are 
glorious messes 
of dishonesty
and delusions
spending 
the wholes 
of our lives 
defending our roles 
as everything else

our thorny
preciously
elusive 
honesty
our freedom
to live
with love
and acceptance
for
ourselves
as the splendidly
uncertain
disheveled
messes
we
are