With the release of confessional exhibitionist Amy Schumer’s new film I Feel Pretty set for nationwide release on April 27, both liberal and conservative pundits are already formulating strategies for explaining the film’s success or failure. In an epic debate that ultimately couldn’t be any more useless, insipid, trivial or banal, the nation’s excitement wells in anticipation of the tsunami of contrived controversy.
Critics of Schumer’s explicit material (one is temped to make a comparison to G.G. Allin but Allin was far better at his craft) are thirsty for another failure following her 2017 Netflix release The Leather Special in which the comedian appeared on stage looking like 65 gallons of booze fat dumped in a 45 gallon Hefty contractor’s sack and telling pussy jokes that landed as flat as a skunked Hudy Delight. By most accounts, even Allin’s naked and shit smeared debauchery was more entertaining.
Given the colossal failure of the special, Netflix went so far as to scrap their 5-Star rating system, with Schumer’s special having a rating of just 1-star before the overhaul. But rather than accepting that her schtick of genital jokes might be tiresome and overworked (ala Pauly Shore’s Weasel schtick of the 1990’s) or that she’s just no LaWanda Page (or even Lisa Lampanelli), Schumer took to Instagram blaming a cabal of “alt-right” trolls for the scathing reviews and adding President Trump to the mix as well.
“It’s indicative of the administration right now. Anyone who reported that ‘viewers aren’t happy’ with my special, it would have been cool if you did a moment of research before posting. The alt right organized trolls attack everything I do,” Schumer posted on Instagram.
So it’s no wonder the cultural stakes are so high as the release of Schumer’s new film draws near. Having flopped with the Netflix special and with her Comedy Central TV show on hiatus for the foreseeable future with no new season scheduled for the immediate future, Schumer’s career may be in the balance with the new film. In the early 90’s, comedian Pauly Shore was on a roll until the 1-2-3 inning of Bio-Dome, In the Army Now and Jury Duty that finally sank a career that had lived long beyond its expiration date anyway. Having struck out with her Comedy Central show and The Leather Special, Schumer may standing at the plate with a full count and 2 outs.
Hoping to seal the comedian’s fate, Steven Crowder, Schumer’s right-wing arch nemesis, is already planning an act of nationwide defiance and faux indignation at theaters screening I Feel Pretty. Crowder is organizing a nationwide protest by the misanthropic Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW) clowns, who got nothing better to do than beat off on their afternoons anyway. With the promise of opening weekend matinee tickets and a 20% discount on a home security product, the political pundit is urging his MGTOW hordes to gorge on bologna, cabbage and beer the night before the screening. In an act of “free speech and expression”, MGTOW boars are encouraged to flatulate, belch and obnoxiously guffaw throughout the film. Crowder says he’ll pay for matinee admissions to anyone willing to participate. Crowder says he’ll also include a coupon code for $200 off SimpliSafe.com, a Louder with Crowder sponsor. “We’ll even throw in a free keychain with your system,” the talk show host says. Crowder can be reached for tickets and the home security discount via Twitter at @scrowder.
In response to the MGTOW revolt, the film’s production and distribution company, STX Entertainment, are discouraging theaters from allowing single or couples of men to attend. STX, in partnership with data analytics firm Movio, which utilizes target marketing techniques to optimize advertising campaigns, have already identified a narrow audience for the film: women in groups, women coupled with whining/pussywhipped boyfriends or husbands, and soy boys.
“Any dudes, by themselves or in groups, going to see this film – unless they’re soy boys – should be questioned as a matter of course,” said Amy Elkins, executive VP, STXfilms. Movio, part of the Vista Group International (creators of ticketing software), use machine-learning algorithms to target audience segments via digital marketing and email campaigns and have assisted STX in the film’s demographic stereotyping.
mrobins71 was unable to reach Steven Crowder for comment regarding the film and his own soy boy-ism. Crowder, proudly admitting to only having sex with his wife, fits Urban Dictionary’s definition of soy boy as “marry(ing) the first girl that will have sex with him.” However, Crowder cuck and Lowder with Crowder producer NotGay Jared was quick to point out on the LWC Facebook page, “According to Urban Dictionary, soy boys also like to cry nazi at everybody they don’t agree with. Steven cries leftist and liberal, not nazi, so there’s no contradiction to Steve’s opposition to the film.”
But regardless of the film’s success, come Monday, April 30, expect right-wing pundits to offer their counterpart left-wing nitwits a place in their sandbox filled with cat turds to play paddy cake over the film’s “controversy”. Pasty-faced political opportunist and left-wing turncoat Dave Rubin is said to be especially excited to “have the I Feel Pretty discussion” in his Pateon paid studio, a sandy cesspool of manufactured indignation and toxoplasmosis.
Pundit Ben Shapiro is said to be eager to don his Leonard Maltin hat once again too, having contributed poignantly to the recent Black Panther controversy. In an 11 minute audio clip of his review of that film, Shaprio gives a short analysis/critique of the cinematic and storytelling qualities of the film before spending the remainder of the video (approximately 9 minutes) deconstructing the internal politics of the movie. In film scholar/cultural anthropologist mode, Shapiro focuses first on the politics surrounding the film before shifting to the political content of the film itself. Of the film’s viewership Shapiro states, “there’s this kind of virtue signaling that’s kinda going around…people saying they loved the movie more than they really do because they want to prove they went to see a movie with black people and liked it.”
(note: mrobins71 reached out to Shirpo through his Daily Wire website and YouTube channel to confirm just how many theatergoers he’s spoken to who’ve admitted to such self-deception, but he couldn’t be reached)
Shapiro then moves on to critique the film’s internal politics, prefacing it with an apology less genuine than a designer purse at a flea market or President Trump’s pussy grabbing aplogy, for having to dive – against his will – into the cultural muck of petty comic book movie criticism.
(editor’s note: “…culture wars….stupid culture wars that don’t benefit anyone except the politicians and the cultural figures…” – Ben Shapiro. Stupid culture wars like what? A war over the politics of a stupid fucking comic book movie? Benefits the cultural figures how? Like generating thousands of views on their YouTube channel by pissing and moaning about the war itself or components of it?)
For President Trump, who takes no criticism well nor impersonally, there’s a direct stake in Schumer’s failure. The President’s vendetta against the comedian stems from her calling Trump voters “weak” and “kicking and screaming babies” following the 2016 election. In response, it’s rumored that Trump, in email exchanges with pal Vladimir Putin, is encouraging the dictator to sick his horde of MAGA hackers and bots on I Feel Pretty‘s forthcoming Rotten Tomatoes score. Though Putin has denied the existence of said MAGA army, Human Rights Watch reported in January of babbling and emaciated Russian juveniles chained in dank Kremlin dungeons, fed nothing but Popov vodka and holodets (jelly meat) and a sour, gruel-like anti-American indoctrination platter to bring down Rotten Tomato scores, harass British journalist Kathy Newman and generate fake news about pizza parlors and pedophilia.
When pressed by mrobins71 for details about the alleged emails and Putin’s cellar dwelling C.H.U.D. cyber-army, Kremlin spokeswoman Maria Zakharova explained, “allegations of a Russian MAGA, pro-Trump army or email exchanges about it are completely unfounded.” It’s been common knowledge since the Wikileaks emails release that Trump and Putin routinely exchanged correspondence in a dude-bro game of pornographic one-upmanship, with Trump most recently forwarding photos of former porno actress Stormy Daniels face sitting on the President, followed by Putin’s congratulatory reply, “quite impressive, Comrade. How did it smell?” But Zakharova, while forced to acknowledge the leaders’ porno communications, remains understandably tight-lipped about Putin’s underground MAGA/Boys of Brazil gulag, stating that nothing of the sort has been “legitimately substantiated.”
And, though I Feel Pretty‘s trailer has already been the focus of body positivity backlash, Entertainment Weekly’s Senior Movies Editor Katie Hasty says Schumer’s film may put up a tough fight. “The #metoo movement’s still hot and everybody loves a trite feel-good story. (Amy’s) already been on Ellen to plug it and all the women screamed like hysterical North Face’d Stepford Wives so the studio’s feeling good about the outcome.”
Co-writer and co-direct Abby Kohn has gone on record calling the film, “the female empowerment, body positive equivalent of Black Panther.” Kohn went on to predict that, “I Feel Pretty will succeed as a statement of pride and empowerment for fat chicks in a way that Milk or Pink Flamingos tried but sadly failed to for gays.”
Such pre-game politicization of the film is leaving right-wing pundits, who shape shift like Greek gods between their own roles as political analysts, philosophers and social scientists, fidgeting behind their microphones to advance the narrative of a nation’s acidic indigestion from the #MeToo movement should the movie fail. Armed with little more than the absolute certainty of their confirmation bias and the bigger picture that any confirming anecdotes tell – a condensed but flimsy certainty as persuasive and titillating as Dr. Jordan B. Peterson’s .5 social science correlation coefficients – the Monday following the film’s release promises more satiation to the right-wing hunger pangs for manufactured indignation than Patriot Pantry’s banana chips and 25-year-guaranteed chocolate pudding.
However, should the film prove a success, there’s always the anti-fat shaming/body positivist movements and liberal Hollywood to blame come Monday – blame sprinkled around commercials for tactical flashlights and gold investment and personal security and Patriot Pantry – the Jenny Craig of Doomsday meal plans, a whopping $247 dollar value for only $99 (including Holocaust Buttermilk Pancakes, Steven Crowder’s Apocalyptic Traveler’s Stew and Proud Boy Powdered Eggs). As Crowder plugs, “get it now before the zombie holocaust or locust plague or the liberal/Marxist overthrow, when you’ll wish you woulda.”
-mrobins71: offering the interweb’s best in fake news and fake investigative journalism