Another round of elections and in counties around the country, coroners are elected while the most pressing issue remains ignored. This go around, in my neck of the woods at least, it’s Democratic candidate Larry A. Binneman versus Republican incumbent Missy Rittinger and in typical fashion, each candidate lists his/her pluses, strengths and visions while completely ignoring what’s truly important in a county coroner.
It’s a bunch of bi-annual smoke and mirrors meant to obfuscate the real problem and here’s the latest examples of this Oz-ian bullshit from these two.
Binneman (D) boasts of a plan for bringing refrigerated storage and transportation to the office, streamlining the office to save taxpayer’s money and reducing the grief and anxieties of those families affected by the office. Binneman is endorsed by retired Deputy Boone County Coroner Lon Roberts.
Rittinger (R) boasts of her experience, having served in the office now for 7 years and possessing specialized skills in forensic nursing that “ensure that dignity, caring, preservation and protection of human rights extend beyond death.” Ritting is endorsed by Doug Stith, retired Boone County Coroner and unlike her challenger who doesn’t even have his own website, Rittinger even has a formal campaign message, “A New Vision A New Direction.”
But neither even acknowledges, let alone proposes solutions to the real problem, that of….
NECROPHILIA
From the Wikipedia page on Necrophilia: “Rosman and Resnick (1989) reviewed 122 cases of necrophilia. 57% of the genuine necrophiles had occupational access to corpses, with morgue attendant, hospital orderly, and cemetery employee being the most common jobs.”
Election cycle after election cycle, these candidates for coroner ignore the major problem of their professions. The reason: it’s the musty smell of mold from behind the drywall that they’d rather ignore than pay to fix. It’s the political Pandora’s box that nobody wants to deal with: how and why and what to do about sex with corpses in the businesses of dead bodies.
And it’s not unlike local school board candidates too cowardly to take a hard line stance against pedophilia in their schools. They won’t a-prior explicitly condemn student-teacher sexual relations even though everybody knows it’s a problem and it’s gonna continue to be a problem until it’s severely addressed beforehand, as evidenced by weekly articles detailing as much in school districts throughout the land – if not in every state, every week. For fuck’s sake, how many pictures of these scowling gals taken in front of gray cinder block walls do we need to see on the 6 p.m. news to finally acknowledge it’s problem? It’s a worse secret than Bill Gate’s hairpiece or the fucking priests, c’mon.
But when was the last time you heard a school board candidate advocate a zero tolerance policy toward student-teacher sexual relations? They wanna say that the policy “goes without saying” but without saying it, the practice goes on with a wink and a nod, time after time. I argue that since the practice continues while at the same time it “goes without saying” that maybe it’s time to not only say it, but fucking shout it, “No more sex with students!!!!!!!” Cause otherwise, while it goes without saying, it also continues to go on.
So I contacted these coroner candidates to try to get down to the real issue. On October 10, I called the Boone County coroner’s office and scheduled a phone interview with current Boone County Coroner Missy Rittinger. Here’s the transcript from the call.
mrobins71: Hello, Missy. This is mrobins71. I’d like to speak with you about the upcoming election and necrophilia.
Rittinger: About what?
mrobins71: You know, necrophilia. Sex with dead bodies. Everybody knows it’s a problem, especially in coroners’ offices and within the mortuary services. What do you plan on doing about the problem.
Rittinger: Are you serious?
mrobins71: Of course I’m serious. Are you suggesting that sex with corpses isn’t serious?
Rittinger: Of course not.
mrobins71: Do you believe coroners, unlike gravediggers, are more exempt from the stigma of being common necrophiliacs because your job is more high status?
Rittinger: Whut?
mrobins71: Maybe you feel blindsided by the question but I’m looking for an honest, unscripted answer. What do you feel needs to be done about necrophiliacs? Would you support funding for services to help them? Sorta like a rehab for necrophiles?
Rittinger: No. They’re disgusting perverts and deserve to be burnt at the stake.
mrobins71: Ah, so you’re a hardliner. A zero tolerance sorta gal. But what if it’s an illness. Shouldn’t we try to help them?
Rittinger: It’s not an illness. It’s a choice. A choice to be degenerate.
mrobins71: Sorta like queers?
Rittinger: No comment.
mrobins71: Do you know that kangaroos can be practicing necrophiles?
Rittinger: We’re not animals like them. I think we’re done here. Thank you and don’t forget to vote on November 6th.
As expected, Rittinger continued to sweep the hard issue under the rug. They don’t want their dirty little secret exposed but it’s really no more a secret than Steven Crowder’s homosexuality. But we and they continue to ignore it, just like we ignore the problem of pedophilia in schools.
Having been rejected by Rittinger, I dialed her opponent, Larry Binneman, at Alliance Funeral Home and Cremation Services where he is founder and co-owner. I was connected to Binneman immediately. Here’s the full transcript of that conversation:
mrobins71: Mr. Binneman, mrobins71 here. I’d like to talk to you about the upcoming coroner election.
Binneman: Okay.
mrobins71: What’s your stance on necrophilia? For it or against it?
Binneman: Against it, of course.
mrobins71: How much of a problem is necrophilia within the coronary and mortuary arts?
Binneman: I’m not sure coronary arts is a real term. That sounds more like the practice of heart medicine. But, I’ll admit it’s a problem within most coroner’s offices and funeral homes, if that’s what you’re getting at.
mrobins71: That’s it exactly. Thank you for your honesty, sir. It’s a difficult thing to find in a candidate who’ll show any candor when it comes to controversial issues.
Binneman: I pride myself in honesty.
mrobins71: I can tell. Having recognized the problem, do you have any solutions? Like funding workshops to help potential necrophiles recognize their problem or how to steer clear of temptation? Or how to report when they feel titillation toward a corpse? Or how there should be no stigma or shame associated with such proclivities? These people need support for their illness, don’t you think?
Binneman: Absolutely. That’s why I’m a democrat. We’re all about inclusive and understanding, not persecution.
mrobins71: Do you fear that you’ll be portrayed as the pro-necrophilia candidate?
Binneman: It’s a risk I’m willing to take.
mrobins71: Mr. Binneman, I’m astounded at your honesty. You have my absolute support. However, you don’t even have a website or a formal slogan for your campaign. I’d like to at least suggest a slogan. How about “necro shaming won’t be tolerated but neither will sex with corpses.” That seems like a pretty nuanced position.
Binneman: I’ll certainly take that into consideration.
mrobins71: Thanks. And by the way, did you know that kangaroos practice necrophilia? A veterinary pathologist recently wrote an article about it. Can I forward it to you in an email?
Binneman: Okay.
mrobins71: Yeah. There was this real weepy photo of a kangaroo holding its dead mate in its arms. Some really sad Romeo and Juliet type shit. But this scientist debunked it saying the male fucked the female to death. Then continued trying to fuck it after she was dead. Really creepy stuff, huh?
Binneman: Yeah.
mrobins71: So if I throw some money at your campaign can you guarantee me they won’t reveal any photos of you having sex with any corpses? That’ll make us both look bad. Like when a politician gets caught toe-tapping the guy next to him in a toilet stall at the airport. They say that’s some kinda signal for a blowjob or something. I don’t wanna get stained by any of that shit. And, if elected, what sorta perks can I expect from your office as a donor?
Binneman: On the first point, no. On the second, I’m pretty sure that’s illegal. It’s like bribery or something. Surely a campaign finance violation.
mrobins71: Okay. Then hypothetically speaking. And I don’t mean like perks from your office or the funeral parlor. Maybe we could just hang out. Like go to some ball games or concerts together or something? Just hang out like a coupla bros?
Binneman: Maybe. I’ll have to check with a lawyer.
mrobins71: I got a question about grooming a corpse. So, like, hair continues to grow after death, right?
Binneman: Yes.
mrobins71: So if the corpse won’t get laid out for days after you receive it, you might have to shave it?
Binneman: We usually consult with the family. If the person was typically clean shaven, then they generally request that. But if he came in with a full growth of facial hair, we usually leave that alone unless the family request otherwise.
mrobins71: Then what about pubic hair?
Binneman: What about it?
mrobins71: Do you groom it?
Binneman: Why would we do that? It’s not like we expose their genitals at the funeral.
mrobins71: Do you put them in pants since the legs are covered up anyway? Otherwise, it would seem like a waste of pants.
Binneman: Yes. The are fully clothed.
mrobins71: Thank you again for your time, Mr. Binneman. You have my full support and good luck on November 6th.
Binneman: Okay.
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mrobins71 