I’ve heard that Santa’s not black – that Santa can’t be black or some bullshit like that. But I say, “why not?” If the qualities of God are mutable between religions, then what makes Santa so goddamned sacred and immutable? Nothing.
So if we can give a little leeway for a Black Santa like we give leeway to interpreting God, then how bout a Hispanic or a Gay Santa as well? See, I like to cover all my bases.
Last year I just put one thing on my wish list, which, technically, I guess that doesn’t make it a list – just a request. Of course, I’d heard all the stuff about how Santa’s only white and that’s what I grew up with, imagines of White Santa. So when I made that wish last year, just out of habit, it was with White Santa in mind. I asked Santa for meaning.
But White Santa didn’t fulfill that wish. I’m as stupid and my life’s as pointless and empty now as it was this time last year. So this year I’m saying “fuck you” to White Santa and sending that wish to the Black and Hispanic and Gay Santas instead. And come this time next year, if I’m the same aimless asshole I am now, I’m gonna chalk it up to one of two things:
- Santa doesn’t exist as either White or Black or Hispanic or Gay
- I’m too big a dickhead for any of ’em to grant my wish
I told my friend about this and she said Gay Santa granted her wish for more meaning and purpose a few years ago when Gay Santa gave my friend the strength to admit she was gay.
Hispanic Santa gave another friend, this one Hispanic, fulfillment by means of a loving wife.
My black friend found religion a while back after asking his Santa for meaning.
White Santa fulfilled my white friend’s request for purpose by means of a winning lottery ticket.
It’s odd, I’ve thought, how all these Santas match up with my friends. But then I got to thinking, if there’s really only White Santa, doesn’t he give blacks and Hispanics and Gays appropriate gifts? Like White Santa gives me Oreo cookies but he might give a Hispanic person Goya cookies. And how, even though Santa’s male, he knows what to give little girls, mostly cause he’s got their lists, I guess. But what if it was Hispanic Santa that’s really been giving me Oreos and all those comic books I got as a kid? How would I know? If I can admit that I wouldn’t know, can’t I acknowledge that a Gay or Black or Hispanic Santa might be the one who’s given me appropriate gifts all along? And, hence, Gay Santa might give me meaning other than through being gay; just as Hispanic Santa might have given me comic books in English, not Spanish? How would I know which Santa’s doing the gifting? I mean, it’s not like I ever met him in person. I’ve only met Fake Santa at the mall or the zoo; never the North Pole Santa. For all I know, Real Santa could be black or Hispanic or have one eye or be peg-legged.
So this year I’ll send that wish out to all the Santas except White Santa who fucked me last year. And, who knows, even if none of them grant me meaning, it would still be something to receive a Christmas card with a pizza or ice cream gift card in it. It might read something like, “Sorry, mrobins71. I can’t give you the meaning you wished for this year. But here’s some pizza, at least.” But what if that card only comes from Black Santa? Can I assume that Black Santa thinks more highly of me than the other Santas? Or maybe Black Santa just had a few extra Papa John’s cards lying around. I guess I wouldn’t be able to presume his opinion of me or that he’s better than all the other Santas because maybe they just didn’t have any extra gift cards. But either way, I’d appreciate the pizza and Black Santa for gifting it.
But if neither meaning nor pizza nor ice cream come, maybe I should just assume there aren’t any Santas at all or I’m too big an asshole to deserve any of it.