Sargon VS Patreon: The Awful Truth

With his recent ban from the subscription membership platform Patreon, internet troll Sargon of Akkad (aka Carl Benjamin) has vaulted back into relevance after months of getting bitch-slapped all over the internet by the likes of Mr. Metokur. Not only is Sargon relevant again, he appears to be evolving into a free-speech martyr of sorts, gaining the attention and support of internet heavyweights like Dave Rubin and Sam Harris and even the lighterweights like Sexyhexenhammer666 and his autistic, crank fueled step-brother The Rageholic.  As a result of the controversy, everywhere you turn, Sargon’s image is being reformed from mere narcissist and internet troll to classical liberalits and scapegoat for the truth (or some shit like that, anyway).

However, mrobins71 has received information from a “relevent source” that there may be more to the story than just Sargon’s use of the word “n*gger” on somebody’s YouTube video. An insider close to the Kremlin (i.e. Russian hacker) informs this blog that the animus between Sargon and Patreon mastermind Jack Conte stems from criticism and insults leveled against the platform owner’s beard.

The anonymous source claims to have hacked a recently heated email exchanges between the men, saying that Sargon referred to Conte’s beard as “a dog with mange” and “an untamed pubis”, in sharp contrast to the beautifully sculpted and manicured neckbeard of Akkad. The informant says the exchange was “very passive/aggressive” with Sargon never explicitly referencing the glory of his own beard, just disparaging Conte’s.

“It fits perfectly,” says the anonymous source. “Sargon has always been a grade A troll. Now it’s really paid off when he needed it to.”

When asked why Conte hasn’t defend himself against criticisms of being a thought fascist, the informant said, “It’s obvious from the tone of the exchange that Conte’s very self-conscious about the beard. I think he’d rather draw public criticism over his authoritarianism than over his facial hair.”

Canadian psychologist Dr. Jordan B. Peterson confirmed as much by phone, stating that a man’s beard is essentially the essence of his masculinity and can play a major part in his position within the lobster hierarchy. 

“Any man would be expected to act defensively or even with hostility against attacks at his masculinity leveled at him through the archetype of manhood which is represented in the beard.” He went on to explain how a “scraggly beard” is a cross-cultural sign of a “low status male”. Peterson then went on to talk a lot about beef jerky and Pinocchio and crustaceans.

Benjamin couldn’t be reached for comment but we’ll keep you posted as future developments arise.

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