Jordan Peterson’s All-Beef Boys

Leaders build followings. Just ask the Proud Boys about Gavin McInnes or the surviving members of The Peoples Temple about Jim Jones. Now we can add another one to the list, Canadian professor and psychologist Jordan Peterson’s All-Beef Boys.

As detailed in an earlier post, I’ve tried to seize control of the Proud Boys from Mr. McInnes, who ceded his kingdom of anti-masterbatory, jack-boot wannabees earlier this month. Thus far, my attempt at wrenching power from the sly McInnes has been fruitless but I remain undeterred in my quest for authority over a cult and/or social movement.

Proud Boys

So it’s with pleasure that today I officially announce the formation of The All-Beef Boys, modeled after the example and teachings of Canadian professor and psychologist Dr. Jordan B. Peterson.  Keep in mind that I am only leader of the group,  not the architect of its fundamentals or ideology. As Jim Jones was a messenger and organizer for God, I, through leadership of The All-Beef Boys, am simply fulfilling a role of subservient leadership for Dr. Peterson.

All-Beef Boys

The rules, conditions and bylaws of this newfound social fraternity will be determined through time, though the aesthetic has been mostly established: candy-striped butcher’s apron, long sleeve shirt, and hats according to Beef Boy rank/hierarchy.

Preliminary rites of initiation:

  1. Like a Jew memorizing the Torah for bar mitzvah or a Muslim memorizing the Qua’ran for Salah, a condition of initiation into All-Beef Boys is memorization of the gospels of Peterson: 12 Rules for Life and Maps of Meaning. Note: Maps of Meaning can be seen as the Old Testament According to Peterson whereas 12 Rules for Life is the New.

2. Strict diet of beef, salt and water for a minimum of 2 months prior to initiation.

Other details:

All-Beef Boys and Slim Jim work in partnership to replace cigarettes with beef sticks as the “new cool”, to include substituting cigarettes with beef sticks in vintage films, photographs, advertising, etc. All-Beef Boys will proudly serve as the public face of the contemporary beef stick movement. #beefstickstrong #beefstickproud

All-Beef Boy accessories available.

As the Proud Boys collapse, I welcome them and all other potential alpha-lobsters into the All-Beef Boy fraternity. Annual dues of $550 can be sent to mrobins71 via PayPal.


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