Crumbling Facade
strange thing is i'm as much an accomplice in the construction of other people's crumbing destructive facades as they are i fool myself maybe more than even they try fooling me when i make excuses not wanting to be overly sensitive too judgmental exercising too much temperance too much rationale instead of vulgar base instinct in understanding them it comes as the baggage with friends family lovers wanting needing to be seen for the good things that must be in abundance inside them for the same good things to be recognized by them inside of me so i help construct this facade of them of what they need to be in order for me to be accepted by them but when that house of cards one i helped engineer for them finally begins to crumble there's such resistance resistance within my excuses regarding over-sensitivity smug judgement selfishness guilt of abandonment over leaving something i put so much time and effort in helping them construct with my own tools and labor of naiveté excuses and needs maybe it's resistance against admitting my own complicity weakness and stupidity in helping construct their embarrassingly flimsy house of cards so flimsy that a breath of a slip sends the whole fucking thing tumbling down like a reversal of learning algebra maybe once i see the ugly truth underneath the crumbling facade of our making i realize the ugliness has been the attracting force between us all along the ugliness beneath my facade and theirs not wanting to be that denying it when it collapses by turning them to flotsam tossing them overboard needing to believe it was them as the rat on our ship in order to deny just how much of it was me too which again raises paralyzing questions concerns if it's me or is it them? me the turncoat? me the mad scientist abandoning its creation? me extracting them like an aching tooth? fleeing the discomfort that most others in love or loyalty understand the discomfort the sleepless nights the resilience in dealing with it is just part of the game of what we are
mrobins71 