Crumbling Facade

Crumbling Facade

strange thing is
i'm as much an accomplice
in the construction
of other people's 
crumbing
destructive
facades
as they are

i fool myself
maybe more
than even they
try fooling me
when i make excuses
not wanting to be
overly sensitive
too judgmental
exercising
too much temperance
too much rationale
instead of
vulgar
base
instinct
in understanding them

it comes 
as the baggage
with friends 
family 
lovers
wanting 
needing to be seen
for the good things
that must be 
in abundance
inside them
for the same good things
to be recognized
by them 
inside of me

so i 
help construct
this facade
of them
of what they need to be
in order for me
to be accepted
by them

but when 
that house of cards
one
i helped engineer for them
finally
begins to crumble
there's such resistance
resistance
within my excuses
regarding 
over-sensitivity
smug judgement
selfishness
guilt of abandonment
over leaving something
i put so much time and effort
in helping them construct
with my own 
tools and labor
of naiveté
excuses
and needs

maybe
it's resistance
against admitting
my own
complicity
weakness
and stupidity
in helping construct
their embarrassingly flimsy
house of cards
so flimsy
that a breath
of a slip
sends the whole fucking thing
tumbling down
like a reversal
of learning
algebra

maybe
once i see
the ugly truth
underneath
the crumbling facade
of our making
i realize
the ugliness
has been the attracting force
between us
all along

the ugliness
beneath my facade
and theirs
not wanting
to be that
denying it
when it collapses
by turning them to flotsam
tossing them overboard
needing to believe
it was them
as the rat
on our ship
in order to deny
just how much of it
was me
too

which again
raises 
paralyzing questions
concerns
if it's me
or is it them?
me
the turncoat?
me
the mad scientist
abandoning its creation?
me
extracting them
like an aching tooth?
fleeing the discomfort
that most others
in love or loyalty
understand
the discomfort
the sleepless nights
the resilience
in dealing with it
is just
part of 
the game
of what we are

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