Good Doctor

He told Saint Peter, “I always wanted to be a doctor. Always wanted to help people. Serve humanity. Save lives. Help ease suffering.”

“But you never became a doctor,” The Keeper said.

“No. I worked in a grocery store. But I always wanted to be good and do good like a doctor.”

“Why didn’t you become a doctor?” Saint Peter asked.

“I went into the military instead of college.”

“You could have become a medic in the military. You could have saved lives in the war,” Peter said. “But it says here you played stupid so you could hide from the action. Says here your main duties were mopping floors and cleaning toilets.”

“I served nobly,” the defendent said.

“Cleaning toilets?” Saint Peter asked.

“What are you trying to say? I wasn’t a real humanitarian?”

“Since you never became a doctor, you could have become a volunteer EMT after your service,” Peter said. “EMT’s save lives too. Says here you were aware your community was in need.”

“I wanted to be a doctor,” the defendant said.

“I know,” the gatekeeper said. “To save lives. Ease suffering. Serve humanity.”

“Yeah,” he said.

“You realize it’s a noble sentiment. But sentiments aren’t shit. Doing is shit.”

The defendant looked at his accuser sternly.

“I never got any credit down there,” he said. “Now you’re gonna discredit me too? I thought it would be different up here, away from all the riff-raff.”

“So you want credit? Credit for what?” the saint asked. “What credit are you looking for exactly?”

“For being a good person,” he said.

“Like a doctor?”


“But you were never a doctor. Never even a medic or an EMT. You never even learned CPR. You never even learned first aid. You never volunteered at a hospital, knowing they needed volunteers.”

“I wanted to be a doctor, motherfucker. Not a volunteer. Aren’t you listening?”

“Yes,” Saint Peter said. “But I don’t know what the fuck I’m listening to.”

“Why? Are you stupid? Are you just as stupid as all of them were?”

“Not as stupid as you need me to be. Not as stupid as you probably needed them to be.”

The defendant threw up his hands.

“So what’s the verdict?”

“I believe down there they refer to this as a colossal fail.”

Preparing to render judgement, Saint Peter took a deep breath.

“Wait. Wait. Wait,” the defendant insisted. “Give me one more try.”

“Try for what?”

“To prove I was good.”

Saint Peter sighed.

“Go ahead.”

“Okay. I was a never a doctor. But I worked in a grocery store.”


“And I never stole. Some guys stole. It was easy to steal. But I never did. Not even a can of beans.”


“I never stole,” the defendant repeated.

“That’s it?” Peter asked.

Thou shalt not steal. It’s a commandment. So I never stole.”

Exasperated, Saint Peter said, “I think we’re done here.”

And with that, the defendant was whisked off to Hell.

As he evaporated, his final cry to his judge was, “Why hast thou denied me admission?”

Saint Peter pronounced, “Jesus Christ, man. You could have at least learned first aid.”

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