GG Allin

GG Allin

If GG Allin had lived, would he have made a successful transition into the mainstream like so many of his contemporary, edgy cultural iconoclasts have? Like Ice Cube, might GG have made a successful transition into kiddie movies? Personally, I love the idea of GG starring besides a cranky dog, a wisecracking kid or an out-of-control monkey. The possibilities of all their wacky capers and adventures seem endlessly entertaining. Or, maybe GG as Captain Hook in the 2003 version of Peter Pan could have made it a blockbuster instead of a flop. If he was still alive, might GG have a supporting role in the cinematic Marvel Universe? If so, what character? I firmly believe GG would have made a better Professor Charles Xavier than Patrick Stewart.

Or, like Ice-T and Queen Lafita, might GG have transitioned into a comfortable role on prime time TV as a cop or detective? Like George Carlin, might GG have found success in something like voicework for Shining Time Station? I love this idea of a whitewashed, sanitized, prime time GG Allin. I love the idea of Bite It You Scum being swept under the rug like Cop Killer and Carlin unapologetically calling God on his bullshit. It’s a wonderful thing about our culture: how willing we are to forgive (i.e. not give a shit about things we proclaim to give a shit about).

Yeah. It’s an entertaining thought: where would GG Allin’s place have been in the mainstream?

Maybe GG would have flourished with his own prime time sit com and, if so, it begs the questions: what sort of character would GG be? He’d almost certainly need be some blue collar or middle-class to lower middle-class kinda character. A forklift driver in a warehouse? A construction worker? Maybe a high school teacher? Yeah, that’s it. A high school Phys Ed instructor. Or maybe a washed up punk rocker with a conservative kid or father-in-law as a clever setup for boatload of hijinks and witty banter. What about a flamboyantly gay neighbor? Or a daughter who, much to his dismay, doesn’t get GG’s shit, preferring Pearl Jam and Creed instead. Just image all your belly laughs accompanying the laugh track on GG’s House.

Maybe GG would have gotten his own reality TV show. Maybe he’d have transitioned into a career as an event planner, and the camera could have followed him around as he and his ragtag crew of Merle and the naked drummer set up for birthdays, retirement parties, corporate events and bar mitzvahs.

Maybe GG could have gotten in on the whole “turn your life around” motivational game. Maybe he’d have written best-selling motivational books and toured the country with motivational seminars. Perhaps we’d have seen GG on Jordan Peterson’s podcast. Maybe he’d have replaced Dave Rubin as Dr. Peterson’s opening act on tour.

It’s hard to imagine GG Allin on The Muppet Show or Sesame Street or as a guest host on Saturday Night Live or as a guest panelist on The View. It’s hard to imagine him blithely bantering away next to Ellen. It’s hard to imagine GG hosting a show on NPR. It’s hard to imagine him as a judge on The Voice or American Idol. But who knows.

If he was still alive, maybe GG would have let us down. It’s hard to say, “Thanks for dying on us, GG.” But it might be better to be dead than what he might have become.

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