Hampvana Rocket Relief
We were drunk late on a Sunday. It was after all the football games and a full day of eating and drinking through all of them. We were drunk and all the football was over, but, when we’re not ready to leave the bar just yet, we usually switch the channel to whatever station shows old cowboy and western shows and we sit around and drink some more.
We were drunk that late Sunday night and watching whatever was on that western channel when a commercial came on for the Hampvana Rocket Relief Tens Pen. Of course, being drunk, we were captivated. It was the first time any of us had seen it.
In the commercial, it showed this little device – much like a mini Dremel tool with two little gimmicks that looked like electrodes at the tip – that, when applied to muscles, causes them to spasm and twitch and throb. In the commercial people were shown applying it to their necks and shoulders and knees – even fingers – in order to stimulate and thereby offer some pain relief. In the commercial you could see the device causing the muscles in hands, knees and thighs to pulse and twitch as the tens pen was applied.
Within seconds of our understanding of what the Hampvana Rocket Relief Tens Pen did and was for – before they even got to the parts about endorphins or tens technology – Sturge asked us, “What do you think would happen if you put that thing on your pecker?”
It was a very good question.
Jerry said, “I dunno, but I think I’d try it on my ballsack first.”
Speaking for myself, in hindsight, I was a bit confused and I think the commercial might have been slightly misleading. Or, I was too drunk to realize that the tens pen offered pain relief mechanically rather than electronically. Both Jerry and I were under the false perception that the muscles’ reactions were due to a mild electrical stimulation, hence, his hesitancy to try it first on the sensitive organ itself.
I said, “Fellas, it’s for pain relief, not recreation. So, unless you got some pain down there, that thing isn’t for play.”
Old Sturge, maybe because he was the least drunk, had maintained his quick wit, saying, “Well, I got pain from down there. It pains me that it don’t work like it used to and I wonder if that thing might help get it going again.”
“Well, I suppose you could try,” I said. “And watch. I bet they’ll even throw in a free one if you burn the other one up.”
Today, a few weeks after I learned about the Hampvana Rocket Relief Tens Pen, I was out mowing the grass and thinking again about what the device might do on the pecker or the ballsack. It’s not that I wanna try it, it’s just that, even when sober, it’s a natural – perhaps the most natural of questions for a lot of dudes to wonder – what would it do to my cock or balls?
As I was mowing and pretending as a pretend writer I know a thing or two about human nature, I realized I should have known all along that is what many men – at least the many men as crude as us – would want to know. And the producers of that pen should know it’s the first thing many men would be curious about. So, did they not have a test panel to find out? Because there was nothing about applying it to the genitals in the commercial. Granted, our sample size at the bar that night was small, but probably reflected the concerns and curiosities of a lot of other guys. And then, knowing that curiosity, why not sell it in a way that appeals to those curiosities? And why not make it explicit? Like without even having to go all lewd, they could show the pen being applied to a crotch tucked nicely inside a pair of briefs. I mean, it’s gotta be a top selling point if it works on the genitals as well as it works anywhere else. And it ought to be something addressed when its the immediate thing 3 knuckleheads wonder about when they’re bored and drunk and they see the thing in action on TV. At that point it seemed sorta like advertising a super-fast car without declaring its fucking horsepower. And aren’t we over all the nonsense of having to be all cute and play pretend like back in my grandma’s day, acting like the dick-shaped vibrator sold in the Sear’s catalog was for “muscle relief” and for “the maintenance of health and beauty”? I mean, Janet Jackson showed her tit on the Super Bowl in 2004. Madonna still acts like a slut on TV and now it’s just a fucking yawnfest. And porn can literally be in the palm of your hand 24/7 anywhere you got a cell phone signal so what the fuck are we doing nowadays still trying to be coy?
I’ve since gone online and read the fine print and the terms and conditions and frequently asked questions about the Hampvana Rocket Relief Tens Pen. And nowhere could I find anything about applying it to your cock or balls. In such a litigious society as ours, I figured they’d wanna cover all their bases, but I couldn’t find a disclaimer. And seeing as this is one base that’s been left unattended, I can only assume such an application is okay.
For this piece of fine investigative journalism, I even went to the official YouTube video for the Hampvana Rocket Relief Tens Pen, imaging the comments would be splattered with questions and testimonies about how it works on the cock and balls.
To my surprise, as of this writing, there’s only one comment: “How good does it work?” And there’s not even a single reply.
All I can figure is they wiped clean all the controversial questions and comments about how it works on the pecker or ballsack. Nothing else makes any sense since we can’t be the only 3 knuckleheads who were so immediately aroused to curiosity, with one remaining curious enough to still be pondering it weeks afterward while mowing the grass.